You’re in a relationship that means a lot to you, but there’s a problem: The thought of committing to it terrifies you. Whether it’s a case of “cold feet,” or something that feels much deeper, having a fear of commitment can make you pull back—or even end things. You may want to get serious, but relationship anxiety—and all the future unknowns, like what if we break up one day?—get in the way.
“A fear of commitment can affect relationships in just about every possible way” says Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, CST, LMFT, Chief Compliance Officer at NOCD. You don’t need to let fear call the shots, though. Follow this expert advice.
What is a fear of commitment?
A fear of commitment typically means that when you think about a future with your partner, you feel anxious, fearful, or maybe even numb. And it tends to influence the choices you make about your relationship, says Zinman-Ibrahim. These scary or uncomfortable feelings might show up as the following behaviors:
- Stopping yourself from seeing the other person as often as you want to, to prevent closeness
- Trying to limit the amount you text or call between dates, to further avoid closeness or attachment
- Attempting to think yourself out of your growing feelings: I’m not that into her. Or, I’m probably just bored.
- Continuing to date other people, even though you want to be exclusive
- Avoiding certain “serious” relationship milestones, like meeting each other’s families
- Telling yourself you’re okay with being alone, even though you crave partnership
- Not moving in with your partner, even though you want to
- Avoiding conversations about taking “the next step” in your relationship
To overcome your fears around commitment, it helps to first understand where exactly your feelings are coming from.
Unsure how to overcome your fears? We can help.
Why do I fear commitment?
There are so many reasons why you might have a fear of commitment—and it can come from a very valid place, says Zinman-Ibrahim. Relationships require a lot of vulnerability, and that can be scary. Maybe you’ve been betrayed before. Or you might have had a poor model of romantic relationships growing up, and aren’t sure how to go about them. “Many people are not raised where they get to see healthy, solid relationships, and let’s be honest—there’s no formal training for this as we go through life,” she adds.
Here are some more specific reasons why you might have a fear of commitment:
- You’re scared of making the wrong choice and being unhappy later on
- You have a fear or mistrust of being truly happy
- You’ve had bad experiences with relationships in the past
- You’re scared of falling out of love
- You worry about cheating or being cheated on
- You fear what others might think about your choices (this is especially common for people in queer or other “non-traditional” relationships)
- You’re scared of losing attraction
- You don’t trust yourself to make the right choices
- You don’t trust others
- You fear being vulnerable
- You have an avoidant attachment style
- You don’t want to experience pain or heartbreak
Is it the wrong relationship, or are my fears of commitment a mental health concern?
It can be hard to know the difference, and as we’ve said many times, if you’re ever in doubt, please err on the side of seeking professional help. Let’s take a look at when your commitment anxiety could be a case of a wrong relationship, and when it could be related to a mental health condition.
What if this just isn’t the right relationship?
Unfortunately, this question can’t be answered with certainty. What we can stress, though, is that you don’t need to be 100% certain about it 100% of the time in order to be present in—and even commit to—your life and relationship. It’s normal to have doubts, and you don’t need to figure it all out right now. You can learn to trust yourself to make the right choices.
Zinman-Ibrahim says that you’re most likely to find the answers you’re looking for by being in the moment. That means taking notice of the following things:
- How your partner makes you feel
- The things that make your connection special
- How you navigate conflict together
- How you live (or don’t live) any shared values
- The ways you support one another
- When, and how often, you feel loved
By considering these things as you spend time with your partner, you can notice what thoughts naturally arise—and be more likely to find a clear answer.
When it could be a mental health concern
A fear of commitment is not automatically a sign of a mental health condition, but it can be—and there’s support available to you if it is. “When your fears are taking up tons of your time, when it feels intensely distressing and urgent, or when it’s negatively affecting you and your relationship, those are signs that it’s time to seek professional support and see if there’s something deeper going on,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.
When your fears are taking up tons of your time, when it feels intensely distressing and urgent, or when it’s negatively affecting you and your relationship, those are signs that it’s time to seek professional support.
There are a few mental health conditions that are worth knowing about when it comes to a fear of commitment: Relationship OCD (ROCD), anxiety, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
ROCD is a subtype—or theme—of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that involves fears surrounding your relationship, including committing to it. It involves repetitive, unwanted intrusive thoughts, images, urges, or feelings, like:
- What if I’ll be unhappy one day?
- What if I’m making the wrong choice?
- What if we fall out of love?
- What if there’s someone better for me out there?
Again, anyone might have these thoughts. But with ROCD, they are unwanted and obsessive, and bring extreme anxiety, fear, worry, shame, or embarrassment. And they lead you to engage in mental or physical behaviors (compulsions) to try to alleviate your intrusive thoughts and the discomfort they bring. For example, you might ask for constant reassurance from your partner, or try to avoid your partner altogether.
As for anxiety, there are several different types of this disorder, but the ones to note in this case are generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and specific phobia—gamophobia, which is the fear of romantic commitment.
With GAD, you feel a pervasive sense of anxiety that can latch onto several different areas of your life, including your love life, that hinders your overall mood and even ability to function.
Gamophobia causes intense anxiety when you encounter anything that reminds you of romantic commitment. You may have feelings of restlessness or unease, a sense of impending doom, and physical symptoms of anxiety, such as a racing heart, sweating, muscle tension, or trembling. You may also try to avoid anything that triggers your anxiety, such as commitment or romantic relationships as a whole.
PTSD is a combination of symptoms that result from a traumatic event. You may experience the frightening feelings and physical sensations that arose during the trauma, avoid anything that reminds you of it, and typically, there is a negative impact to your mood and cognition.
C-PTSD includes the typical symptoms of PTSD, with the added layers of having difficulty managing emotions and maintaining relationships. It’s more likely to occur if the trauma began at an early age, or the trauma was long-lasting—like in the case of abuse.
A fear of commitment could be related to PTSD or C-PTSD if, for example, you had a previous traumatic relationship, lost someone close to you, or you witnessed your parents’ traumatic relationship as a child.
BPD is a personality disorder where you feel emotions very intensely, and have difficulty managing those intense emotions. This tends to lead to challenges with maintaining relationships and can negatively impact how you see yourself. Those with BPD also typically have an intense fear of abandonment. For some with BPD, avoiding commitment might be attached to that fear—the thought may be that if you don’t commit, you can’t be abandoned.
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How can I deal with my fear of commitment?
As you can probably guess, the best way to handle your fear of commitment depends on where, exactly, it’s coming from.
Here are some ways to ease your fear of commitment if it’s not necessarily tied to your mental health:
- Journal. It can be a great tool for self-reflection—helping you better understand yourself and your fears. Start with some specific prompts, such as: What comes to mind when I think of commitment? Where did I first learn what romantic relationships look like, and has that impacted my fears around commitment now? What would I do if I weren’t afraid of commitment?
- Communicate openly with your partner. Talking to them about how you’re feeling can give your partner insight into who you are and the actions you take, and it’s an opportunity for you to be vulnerable—the backbone of emotional intimacy. And that can allow you to build intimacy despite your commitment fears.
- Try couples therapy. Couples therapy can be particularly helpful if your fear of commitment has started to put a strain on your relationship—or if there’s an element of your partnership that is exacerbating your anxiety. Speaking with a trusted therapist—someone who is completely non-partia—can help you and your partner break unhelpful patterns and deepen your ability to communicate with each other.
- Talk to someone you trust. “Therapy can be helpful for anyone, and allow you to process what’s going on,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “But you may also have a good friend or family member that can listen and offer you perspective.” Getting perspective from someone besides you and your partner—and who knows you well—can help you see the situation more clearly and honestly.
If you think your fears around commitment are coming from a mental illness, like ROCD, anxiety, PTSD/C-PTSD, or BPD, then don’t hesitate to get professional help, and a clear diagnosis. The type of therapy you’ll receive depends on the condition you have, but these are the go-to treatments:
- Exposure and Response-Prevention (ERP) therapy This is the gold-standard, specialized treatment for OCD and anxiety disorders. It works by gradually exposing you to the things that trigger your fears—like going on a date, talking about the future, or watching a wedding on YouTube—and learning to not engage in compulsions or avoidance. Eventually, you’ll realize that you can sit with the uncomfortable feelings you have and go on with your life anyway. In short, ERP teaches you to become desensitized to your fears
- Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT can be useful for PTSD and C-PTSD, navigating your attachment style, and more general concerns. It’s a type of talk therapy that helps you better recognize and understand the relationship between your thoughts, feelings, and actions. You can then use this understanding to develop more effective coping skills, and reduce your undesirable behaviors.
- Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy (DBT). DBT is designed to help those who feel emotions at an intense level, such as those with BPD. It may also be helpful for some with C-PTSD. DBT teaches you practical skills for managing your emotions, as well as managing your relationships—so you can accept your feelings, rather than getting wrapped up in them.
The bottom line about a fear of commitment
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by all this information, here’s the simple version of what you really need to know: Your fear of commitment doesn’t have to stand in your way forever, and there is help available for you—whether you have a mental health condition or not. You can live your life despite your fear and have a meaningful, fulfilling relationship.