When obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) attaches to something that really happened, like a decision, a mistake, or a moment you’re not proud of, it can make that event feel like a verdict on who you are. You might find yourself analyzing the situation over and over, feeling like you can’t forgive yourself for what happened, or believing that you don’t deserve good things.
These experiences are common in real event OCD, an OCD theme that can cause someone to become fixated on something they did, said, or experienced. Because real event OCD revolves around an event that actually took place, it can feel especially convincing—even when some of the details are fuzzy. OCD can fill those gaps with worst-case scenarios, make the event feel more serious than it was, or make its consequences feel catastrophic. Instead of gradually processing the event and moving forward, people can end up feeling trapped trying to reach certainty about what happened, what it means about them, or whether they deserve forgiveness.
The problem is, OCD tends to keep moving the goalposts, never allowing you to feel absolutely certain. Every time you feel like you’re getting close to an answer, it may point out a detail you haven’t accounted for, or suggest that you’re only remembering the version that makes you “look better.” The more people search for certainty, the more convinced they may become that they don’t deserve to move on until they find it—even though that’s not true.
To support anyone struggling with this OCD theme, we asked Chrissie Hodges to join us for a conversation about real event OCD and how to move on from past guilt. Chrissie is a certified peer support specialist, a mental health advocate, founder of the nonprofit OCD Gamechangers, and a therapist-in-training. She also lives with OCD herself, and has become known for talking openly about topics that can carry a lot of shame and stigma, because she believes no one should have to feel alone or suffer in silence.
Below, we’re sharing three questions from our event with Chrissie, covering intrusive thoughts, shame, and self-compassion. This Q&A has been edited for length and clarity.
Can OCD make people think they’re having harm intrusive thoughts on purpose, and make them feel like they enjoy the thoughts when they actually don’t?
When your brain believes there is a threat—we’re going to say harm or sexual intrusions are a threat—and you have a thought, “That little girl is so cute…oh my god, did my groin just move? Why would I think that? Am I a pervert?”, that moment is a compulsion. You’re mentally reviewing. So now your brain is like, why would you think that? And now we’re worried we’re a pedophile. And our brain’s going to tell us that there are kids everywhere now. And we’re not going to go anywhere because we don’t want to see a kid again and have that feeling again.
This can go on and warp for years, because it’s not a real threat. But because you’ve told the brain there’s a threat, now it’s warning you. So now you’re going to test and check. You might think things like, “I’m near a knife, and my partner’s in the room. Am I going to pick up the knife and hurt them?” And now, because you’re testing and checking for intrusive urges, your brain is going, “What do you really want? Do you want this?” Everything gets so convoluted in your mind, but that doesn’t mean that it actually is convoluted.
Once a thought is ego-dystonic—against your values—which OCD thoughts are, it doesn’t change. It’s not like someone has ego-dystonic thoughts about being a pedophile, and then a year later, they’ve ruminated about those thoughts enough that now they’re actually a pedophile. It does not turn ego-syntonic. It’s ego-dystonic because you don’t want it, you don’t desire it. And it never changes back.
Avoidance is a compulsion that reinforces the belief, “I’m not going around kids because maybe I do want [to harm] them.” In reality, you’re not going around kids because you never wanted to harm them in the first place. But OCD is going to tell you, “you do want to harm them, so you should avoid them.” It’s a cycle that OCD can try to trap you in. So it’s important to know that OCD can shapeshift into making you believe that you want the intrusive thoughts. When that happens, it can lower your insight into what’s going on. So you’ve got to reduce the compulsions in order to get the insight up and be able to attack the OCD.
Why is self-compassion so important for real event OCD?
The remedy to shame, which is often the barrier to treatment for real event OCD, is self-compassion. I know it can be very difficult to practice self-compassion when you don’t think you deserve it. If you can’t practice self-compassion, you can practice self-care. It’s the action for self-compassion. It doesn’t matter if you think you deserve it or not; it’s an action.
What can you do to take care of yourself, whether that be sleeping or eating something? Because sometimes, especially with high shame that can surround this theme, people turn to self-punishment. They might think things like, “I don’t deserve to eat. I don’t deserve to bathe. I don’t deserve to have the sunshine hit my shoulders.” I want you to push back on the things that OCD is saying you don’t deserve. Even if you don’t believe it, go do it anyway.
Also, think about self-compassion as what you would do if someone you loved came to you and said, “I have been punishing myself for five years over something that I did at this time of my life, and these are the circumstances.” I highly doubt you would tell a loved one, “Yeah, you should punish yourself day in and day out for the rest of your life.” So what would you tell them instead? Now why are you not telling yourself that? I’ll tell you why: because OCD will say that you don’t deserve it.
If you’re sitting here thinking, “Chrissie, I’m the exception. I don’t deserve self-compassion,” I want to challenge you. I’m going to say, what if this is OCD? Even if the real event is real, and you feel shame and guilt, what if OCD lit the match under it, and that’s why it’s a wildfire? And you can put that fire out, and maybe the embers pull you back in every once in a while, but you never have to fully ignite it again.
What advice do you have for practicing self-compassion with real event OCD?
I don’t think I’ve ever met anybody with OCD who is like, “Yes. I’m so excited to practice self-compassion.” We often think we don’t deserve it. One of the ways I learned that I deserve self-compassion was by learning about my childhood. Understanding your childhood is not an automatic “your childhood sucked.” Understanding traumatic events that have happened to you isn’t an automatic “everything about my life sucks.” It’s understanding what our triggers are—things that have happened in our lives where OCD comes in and goes, this is a reminder of grief, or anger, or whatever else.
I had a very traumatic childhood, and one of the things that really helped me was being aware of my bodily and physical patterns when I’m exposed to things that have been traumatic. Those responses can feel very real, but it’s also the shame. There’s always the shame, the guilt, the “what did I do to deserve this?” And we feel like that with OCD, too. We think, “What did I do to make this happen? Why me? I have to keep digging to find out the bad thing I did, or the bad person I am.”
Here’s the thing: We are allowed to grow. We’re allowed to be different. I am allowed to be a different Chrissie next year at 50 than the Chrissie I am at 49. And to be better. And to say, “I hurt this person when I was 49. And I don’t want to ever hurt anyone in that way again. I’m moving forward because of the pain it caused me.”
What makes you think that I deserve to be punished for the rest of my life? I bet your answer is nothing. That I don’t deserve it because I learned. What do you think you’re doing right now? You’re learning about OCD because you feel guilty about something that happened in your past. You’re learning that you’re not who you were back then. And that’s enough to evoke compassion.
It’s okay to make mistakes. And you deserve to move forward and become better, because that’s what we do. We become better. And look at us: We’re shouldering the burden of this terrible, tormenting condition, and yet here we are, all together, wanting to be better. And you’re part of that.
Watch the full event with Chrissie
Your past doesn’t determine your future
As Chrissie reminds us, the shame or guilt you might feel about the past isn’t proof of who you are, and it doesn’t have to stay with you forever. Regaining your life from real event OCD can start by finding a therapist who specializes in OCD, and by learning to manage OCD in treatment while practicing small acts of self-care, even when self-compassion feels out of reach.
The most effective treatment for OCD, in all its themes, is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. When delivered by a properly trained therapist—one who specializes in OCD and ERP—ERP can help you gradually confront OCD thoughts and fears without doing the compulsions that keep the cycle going. Over time, OCD can lose its grip, and feelings of shame and guilt about past events can lose their power over your life.
When you’re ready to take the next step toward getting your life back from OCD, you can book a free 15-minute call with the NOCD Team to learn more and get started.
