“My partner doesn’t love me anymore.” Maybe this has been a passing thought that has crossed your mind, or maybe it’s something more intrusive—a kind of relationship anxiety that’s near-constant. Even if your partner gives you reassurance that they love you, you may be left with a voice of doubt in the back of your head.
So what can you do about it, besides frantically Google, how can I tell if they’re in love with me? We spoke with therapists and relationship experts Erin-Lee Kelly, PhD and Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, CST, LMFT to learn the top signs that someone is in love with you—and advice on what to do if you just can’t stop doubting your partner’s feelings.
5 signs your partner loves you
Obviously, not everyone shows love in the same way, but there are a few signs that can reveal how they truly feel about you:
- They communicate openly with you. A partner who is in love with you will not run from open and honest conversation. When it’s time to talk about something— even the difficult things—they’re present and available. While some people have a harder time expressing their emotions than others (and that’s okay), the important thing is to have a partner who can acknowledge when it’s tough to open up, and be willing to practice becoming a better communicator. Ultimately, they want to be known and understood by you, just as much as they strive to actively listen to you.
- They treat the little things as the big things. When we think of being in love, it’s often the big things that come to mind: how they handle celebrations, anniversaries, significant life events. But “when they demonstrate concern for your well-being in both big gestures and small acts of kindness,” that’s a tell-tale indication of someone’s true feelings for you, says Dr. Kelly. Everyday acts of caring, verbal expressions of love, little moves like bringing your favorite dessert home after work are signs that they want to make you feel loved and bring ease to your life.
Researchers refer to this consistent care as compassionate, or altruistic, love. One study in the International Association for Relationship Research describes it as “freely given” love involving an “accurate understanding of the other,” and an expression of “openness, receptivity, and warmth.”
- You can feel it in your body. Being physically drawn to each other is something that’s undeniable when it’s there. “Being drawn to our partner isn’t an inherently sexual experience,” notes relationship therapist Esther Perel in a blog post—although that can, of course, be part of it. Do you get the sense that your partner delights in seeing you in your element—like when you’re doing the things you love to do? When you’re physically together, do they try to close the gap—by holding your hand or simply moving closer to you—or do they seem to pull away? Someone who is in love with you will want to come closer.
- You aren’t vying for their time. Someone who is in love with you prioritizes your relationship and loves being in your company. Research consistently finds that the more quality time couples spend together, the more they report satisfaction, closeness, and fondness of their relationship.
Keep in mind, being a priority for someone doesn’t mean they don’t have a full life and other interests, it just means they’re there. They don’t cancel plans, bail when you need their support, or leave you on read.
- They really notice you. Attentiveness is a meaningful sign that someone is in love. If they “notice or marvel at the things about you that others wouldn’t notice or care about,” that’s promising, says Zinman-Ibrahim. This will be different for everybody, but maybe your partner points out how much they love the sound of your voice or the way you interact with strangers.
In fact, just looking at you—period—can be a clue of how someone feels about you. In an experiment, social psychologist Zick Rubin found that study participants who were deeply in love also spent more time gazing into each other’s eyes compared to people who weren’t as in love.
The bottom line? “It’s not realistic to think that everything is going to be great and perfect 100% of the time—that’s more like a Disney movie,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “You should take a holistic viewpoint: what is your partner like the majority of the time?”
It’s not realistic to think that everything is going to be great and perfect 100% of the time.
3 alternate questions to ask yourself when doubting your partner’s love
Occasional doubt and relational anxiety is normal in any romantic duo. But in some cases, it’s worth asking yourself these questions to see if something other than your partner’s love and devotion could be causing you distress:
- Do I really want to be with them? It’s easy to become so focused on how your partner feels about you, to the point that it’s difficult to step back and ask yourself: How do I feel about them? Does this have the potential to be a healthy relationship, or am I clinging to something that isn’t working or just plain causing me harm. “If a partner is withholding affection both emotionally and physically because they are trying to punish you or teach you a lesson, that would be considered a toxic, unhealthy behavior,” says Dr. Kelly, giving just one example of a relationship red flag.
- Are my doubts or insecurities actually about me? Some people have a hard time trusting their partner’s love for them because of issues with their own self-worth and feeling of “not enoughness.” Take an honest assessment of yourself to examine if your beliefs about your worthiness are making it difficult to let in or acknowledge a partner’s love.
- Could I be dealing with a mental health condition? Some mental health issues can make you more prone to doubts and anxiety surrounding relationships. For instance, it’s possible for your lack of ease in the relationship to be connected to generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), depression, or relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD)—a common subtype of OCD.
Get your life back from OCD
How ROCD could make you worry your partner doesn’t love you
It’s normal to want to hear the words “I love you.” However, if you are obsessively thinking about whether your partner is in love with you and repeatedly asking for reassurance in an attempt to ease your mind, you might have ROCD.
ROCD, like all forms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, is characterized by intrusive thoughts (known as obsessions) and compulsions—which are behaviors done on repeat to get some relief from the obsessions. In ROCD, these obsessions and compulsions are focused on one’s partner or relationship. Here are some examples:
Common ROCD obsessions
- What if my partner doesn’t love me?
- What if we’re not attracted to each other enough?
- What if we are falling out of love?
Common ROCD compulsions
- Reassurance-seeking: You may repeatedly ask your partner questions like, “Do you really love me?” or “Do you think we’re going to break-up one day?”
- Mentally reviewing: You might comb through past interactions with your partner to look for all the clues that they do or don’t love you.
- Ruminating: You turn the same thoughts and questions over and over in your head, feeling like maybe you can just “think your way out” of obsessions.
Keep in mind, “if you’re obsessing, it’s taking a lot of your time. It feels urgent. It feels like you just absolutely have to find the answer to whether your partner loves you right now,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.
Virtual OCD treatment that accepts insurance
How do you cope with the fear that your partner doesn’t love you anymore?
How you handle relationship doubts depends on how severe they are, and what’s causing them. Sometimes the solution is to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling and express what you need to feel loved. “Discussing your feelings is key to managing the anxieties around them,” says Dr. Kelly.
“I’m a big fan of making a list of your needs and then evaluating what’s getting met, what’s not, and having a conversation about that,” adds Zinman-Ibrahim. Besides, this is an opportunity to zoom out and remember all the amazing things about your relationship—or to be honest with yourself if it’s not what you want.
If you’re dealing with something like low self-worth, a therapist can support you in addressing some of the thinking patterns that contribute to poor self-esteem. “Relationships start with you,” notes Zinman-Ibrahim. “Make sure you’re in a good place, so that whatever you have going on doesn’t spill over into your relationship.”
With all this said, there are times when the coping strategies mentioned here just won’t cut it. ROCD, for example, is a condition that requires a specific therapy called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). It’s the gold-standard treatment for ROCD (and all other forms of OCD), and it’s considered specialized OCD treatment—which means it’s unlike traditional talk therapy or general cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). And without practicing ERP specifically, it’s very likely that your ROCD will get worse, not better.
To address the doubt within your relationship, you’ll do something that might seem counterintuitive. Working with a trained therapist, you’ll do what’s called ROCD exposures. For example, if you’re obsessing over whether your partner loves you, and constantly asking for reassurance, your therapist might suggest writing “I don’t know if we’ll be together forever” in your journal. Over time, you become desensitized to your fears, and realize that your thoughts are just thoughts—not a cause for sounding the alarm.
“OCD wants 100% proof, and unfortunately that doesn’t exist… Becoming comfortable with the uncertainty is the way to beat it,” says one NOCD community member.
The bottom line about worrying over your partner’s love for you
Whether you have OCD or not, absolute certainty about your relationship isn’t possible. What is possible, however, is finding reasonable confidence, trusting yourself to make the right choices for you and your relationship, and getting support if you need it.