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Relationship OCD

Why Do I Need Constant Reassurance in a Relationship?

3 min read
NOCD Staff
Reviewed by Keara Valentine

Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from your partner that they love you? That they even want to be with you? That they find you attractive?

why do i need constant reassurance in my relationship
why do i need constant reassurance in my relationship

You’re not alone — many people may experience doubt in a relationship and may occasionally need reassurance. Your need for reassurance could stem from general self-esteem issues or a history of toxic relationships. Maybe you found out that your ex-boyfriend was cheating on you the entire time you were dating — this would understandably make it hard to trust your current partner, and you may constantly need to be reassured that they’re not cheating on you. 

Feeling insecure in your relationship from time to time is completely normal. However, if you find yourself and your partner exhausted by your constant need for reassurance and your daily life impacted by it, you may have a condition known as relationship OCD (ROCD).

Before we dive into ROCD, let’s explore the diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

What is OCD?

OCD is a commonly known mental health diagnosis that falls under the umbrella of anxiety disorders. It is characterized by a pattern of recurrent, intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviors or mental acts. The thoughts are referred to as “obsessions.” For each individual with OCD, the obsessions can vary and often center on a certain theme. These themes are known as OCD subtypes.

For example, someone with checking OCD may experience obsessions over whether their door is actually locked or whether the stove is off.

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No matter the subtype, people with OCD engage in ritualistic behavior in an attempt to relieve the distress and anxiety that their obsessions cause. These behaviors are the “compulsion” half of the OCD cycle. In the case of someone with checking OCD, the compulsion may look like nonstop checking that the door is locked.

While many people might like to double-check their door is actually locked, someone with OCD may fear that something bad will happen if they don’t keep checking repeatedly. Furthermore, the compulsions they engage in do little to alleviate their anxiety, leaving them feeling “stuck” in the cycle of obsessions and compulsions.

What is relationship OCD?

Relationship OCD, commonly referred to as ROCD, is a subtype of OCD that follows the same vicious obsessive-compulsive cycle. With ROCD, the obsessions focus on uncertainties in an intimate relationship. Similar to relationship anxiety, ROCD can encompass insecurities and worries that many people experience in a relationship. However, for someone with ROCD, these doubts feel intrusive and trigger compulsions.

If each time you feel uncertain in your relationship, you feel an intense and all-consuming urge to seek reassurance from your partner that they love you or from your friends that you’re in the right relationship, you may have ROCD. This can feel overwhelming and isolating, but knowing that you may have ROCD is the first step to getting treatment and feeling more secure in your relationship.

How do I treat my ROCD?

While it may be scary to learn that you have ROCD, the good news is that it is easily treatable. For any subtype of OCD, the gold standard of treatment is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that works by exposing you to your triggers in a safe and controlled environment in order to help you better manage your compulsions. In other words, you’ll learn healthier ways of handling your relationship insecurities — and, ultimately, you’ll need less reassurance in your relationship.

Find a therapist who can help you manage your OCD

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ERP is most effective when the therapist conducting the treatment has experience with OCD and training in ERP. At NOCD, all therapists specialize in OCD and receive ERP-specific training. If you are ready to seek treatment for your ROCD, you can schedule a free call with the NOCD clinical team to learn more about how a licensed therapist can help you. You can also join our Relationship OCD community and get 24/7 access to personalized self-management tools built by people who have been through OCD and successfully recovered.

Keara Valentine

Keara E. Valentine, Psy.D., is a postdoctoral fellow at Stanford University School of Medicine in the OCD and Related Disorders Track, where she specializes in the assessment and treatment of OCD and related disorders. Dr. Valentine utilizes behavioral-based therapies including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) with children, adolescents, and adults experiencing anxiety-related disorders.

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ERP Therapy
Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)
OCD Symptoms

NOCD Therapists specialize in treating Relationship OCD

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Taylor Newendorp

Taylor Newendorp

Licensed Therapist, MA

I started as a therapist over 14 years ago, working in different mental health environments. Many people with OCD that weren't being treated for it crossed my path and weren't getting better. I decided that I wanted to help people with OCD, so I became an OCD therapist, and eventually, a clinical supervisor. I treated people using Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) and saw people get better day in and day out. I continue to use ERP because nothing is more effective in treating OCD.

Madina Alam

Madina Alam

Licensed Therapist, LCMHC

When I started treating OCD, I quickly realized how much this type of work means to me because I had to learn how to be okay with discomfort and uncertainty myself. I’ve been practicing as a licensed therapist since 2016. My graduate work is in mental health counseling, and I use Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy because it’s the gold standard of OCD treatment.

Tamara Harrison

Tamara Harrison

Licensed Therapist, MA

I have personally struggled with OCD and know what it's like to feel controlled by intrusive thoughts and compulsions, and to also overcome it using the proper therapy. I’ve been a licensed therapist since 2017. I have an M.A. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and practice Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. I know by experience how effective ERP is in treating OCD symptoms.

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