How much should I share about my OCD with my loved one? Is it enough for them to know that I have OCD without me having to go into detail? Do I have to disclose the content of my obsessions? Am I lying if I don’t tell them specifics about my intrusive thoughts?
These are questions I get asked frequently as an OCD specialist. People with OCD commonly worry that their loved ones need to know about their obsessions to engage in a consensual relationship with them. They worry that they’re not presenting themselves accurately if they do not disclose the content of their obsessions.
Here’s the thing, though. You are not the content of your obsessions. Obsessions (repetitive, unwanted intrusive thoughts, images, sensations, and “urges”) of OCD are ego-dystonic, meaning that they are opposite to your desires, values, beliefs, and self-concept (what a person knows to be true about themself). Intrusive thoughts are not you. They are the opposite of you as a person. You cannot be lying about yourself by not telling someone thoughts that are not you.
I commonly see this fear arise in the context of relationship OCD. But doesn’t my partner need to know about my relationship obsessions? Don’t they need to know that I’m having doubts about the relationship? When it comes to OCD, the doubts are not rooted in reality. People with OCD tend to distrust reality: that they do love their partner or that they are happy in their relationship. “What if I don’t actually love my partner?” as an OCD obsession is not the same thing as someone genuinely not loving their partner. OCD is a disorder of irrational, pathological doubt.
I also see this fear arise in the context of taboo obsessions: sexual obsessions about kids and family members or violent obsessions about others. People with OCD commonly think that their loved one should know about the content of taboo intrusions because they worry that the content is indicative of their true character. Intrusive thoughts are not reflective of your character. They are the opposite of your character. Intrusive thoughts do not make you a monster. They make you a human being with a brain. Every human has experienced an odd intrusive thought, including violent and sexual ones. The only difference is that with OCD, these thoughts tend to stick. Just like with relationship obsessions, taboo obsessions are not rooted in reality—but OCD can make it difficult to trust the reality that a person is not actually attracted to children or does not desire or intend to stab someone.
You are not your OCD. Your loved ones do not need to know about thoughts that are not you.
I’ll use a non-OCD example to make this more salient. Let’s say that you don’t like Harry Potter but, one day, you randomly have a thought pop in that says “I love Harry Potter!” Experiencing that thought doesn’t mean that you now love Harry Potter and want to watch marathons of the films all day long. It merely means that you had a thought you don’t agree with or align with. In non-OCD situations, you likely wouldn’t feel the need to share that thought with a loved one. You likely wouldn’t treat the thought as a truth. You would likely treat it as words in the mind, words that don’t line up with reality. Not disclosing the “I love Harry Potter!” thought to a loved one isn’t lying. It’s merely not sharing an irrational thought.
You do not owe the content of your obsessions to anyone, even when your obsessions involve another person (like your partner if you have relationship OCD). You are entitled to the privacy of your internal world, not sharing every random thought that arises, which is different from secrecy. You are not hurting someone by not sharing the content of your intrusive thoughts with them. The intrusive thoughts hurt you, and they are not reflective of who you are.
This doesn’t mean you should never share your obsessions with loved ones. If you do want to share your story, or information about your specific obsessions, it can be incredibly healing and help reduce some of the shame you may feel. I generally recommend sending a loved one articles or podcast episodes from professionals who specialize in the treatment of OCD so that you don’t have to carry the burden of explaining and so that your loved one has a chance to marinate on the material. I’ll sometimes have a client’s loved one join a session to learn more about OCD and how they can best help them (i.e., by not accommodating OCD). In these instances, it may make sense to share some details about obsessions you’ve experienced or are dealing with—but it’s important to understand the difference between doing this in a healthy way and doing it to try to relieve the distress brought on by an OCD obsession itself.
There are times in which sharing your obsessions with a loved one can actually be compulsive. Confession is a common compulsion that people with OCD carry out to alleviate distress (anxiety, guilt, etc.) related to obsessions, seek reassurance about the obsession, make sure that someone “really knows them,” etc. Compulsive confession is different than genuinely wanting to open up to a loved one about your experience with OCD. Compulsive confession is fueled by OCD’s demand that you must confess or else and is full of urgency. Compulsions serve OCD, which keeps you in the symptom cycle, whereas genuine sharing may serve you (by helping you feel less alone or diminishing some of the shame).
Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, the most evidence-based treatment for OCD, can help with compulsive confession. Your therapist might ask you to allow the thought to exist without confessing it to a loved one. This might feel difficult at first, but the urge will pass over time and you will learn that confession (like any other compulsion) is not necessary. Compulsions reinforce obsessions. By confessing, you might experience temporary relief that further exacerbates your symptoms long-term. Sometimes ERP means tolerating short-term discomfort (tolerating the distress that may arise from not confessing) for the long-term gain (symptoms improve when you’re not reinforcing OCD through compulsions).
If you’re struggling to understand the difference between compulsive confession and genuine sharing, and you want to work on resisting the urge to overshare to serve OCD, NOCD’s specialized therapists are here to help. They’ll work with you to create a treatment plan personalized to your unique needs and help you regain your life from OCD. You can book a free 15-minute call with our team to learn more about getting started with OCD treatment.
