Infidelity can fill you with all sorts of emotions—hurt, anger, sadness, dread, and a heart-wrenching sense of betrayal. You might think about it from the moment you open your eyes in the morning to the time you close them at night. Even during a 3 AM bathroom break, you’re plagued with questions:
Why did they cheat?
Will it happen again?
Is there something wrong with me?
Could I have done something differently?
Should I leave them?
If this speaks to you, you’re having a completely understandable reaction to your partner’s actions. Someone you deeply care about has shattered your trust. So in many cases, overthinking about being cheated on is a completely normal reaction.
But sometimes, it can signal a deeper mental health condition. Let’s take a closer look at why infidelity consequences can lead to destructive overthinking, how you can stop, and what help is available to you.
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Why am I overthinking being cheated on?
As we said before, infidelity is a shocking experience that can cause you to keep turning what happened over and over in your mind. “Your brain is wired to constantly be on the lookout for danger. And being cheated on and having that kind of betrayal can truly feel like a threat that impacts your ability to feel safe,” says April Kilduff, LMHC, LPCC, LCPC, a therapist at NOCD who specializes in OCD and anxiety disorders.
So of course you want to search for answers, see if the experience says anything about you, and get some level of control or certainty. That’s your brain’s way of trying to protect you from something similar happening again.
In the mental health field, overthinking is often called rumination—which is when you contemplate the same thoughts, ideas, and questions, sometimes for hours each day. Not surprisingly, infidelity and rumination can often go hand in hand.
These factors can make rumination more likely:
Low self-esteem If you have a low opinion of yourself, being cheated on can make you doubt yourself even more. “You may begin to ruminate on all of your negative traits, and how they may or may not have contributed to the infidelity,” says Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT. Your overthinking might include self-criticism, self-punishment, and negative self-talk.
A history of trauma “A past history of trauma—such as abusive relationships—can definitely exacerbate any new trauma like cheating,” says Kelsey Thompson, LMFT. “Infidelity rips away your sense of security and normalcy, and causes significant grief.” So if trauma has made you feel unlovable, unworthy, or unsafe, being cheated on can exacerbate those emotions, says Nina Batista, LCSW.
Infidelity in prior relationships “Having a history of being cheated on one or more times is more likely to lead to self-esteem struggles that can just exacerbate overthinking,” explains Thompson. You might wonder if there’s something wrong with you that’s causing it to keep happening.
Anxiety If you generally experience a lot of anxiety, such as an anxiety disorder, relationship anxiety, or an anxious attachment style, being cheated on can add fuel to the fire. You may “feel highly anxious that you will continue to be abandoned or betrayed in the future,” says Quinlan.
Depression This condition can use your experience as “proof” that you’re somehow bad, faulty, or unlovable. “You might spiral into severe negative self-talk about yourself, the world around you, and your future,” Quinlan explains.
OCD If you have a predisposition to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), you may trigger intrusive thoughts, feelings, images or urges that you try to alleviate with compulsions, such as rumination. “Realistically, everybody overthinks if they’re cheated on, but with OCD, you’ll probably carry it a little further than most,” says Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, Chief Compliance Officer at NOCD. You may overthink to try to find certainty in a situation where you ultimately won’t find any.
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How can infidelity affect your mental health?
Alongside overthinking, infidelity can lead to the following:
- Depression
- Anger
- Sadness
- Jealousy
- Grief
- Feelings of loss
- Loss of self-esteem and confidence
- Trust issues
- Trauma
- Toxic stress, which is when adverse experiences in childhood lead to poor coping skills and stress management, mental illness and unhealthy lifestyles in adulthood
- Relationship anxiety
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Paranoia
Infidelity can also cause anxiety and hypervigilance. After your partner has betrayed your trust, it makes sense to feel nervous when they go out, spend too much time on their phones, or change their routine. “It’s like carrying emotional baggage and hurt—and you can become overly focused on whether their actions are a sign that it could happen again, or that it will happen again,” explains Zinman-Ibrahim.
Quinlan adds that there’s no list that could possibly encapsulate all the possible effects of infidelity. “There isn’t a limit to how infidelity can impact you and your relationship when cheating has occurred.”
You may even reach a point where the pain is so overwhelming that you want to break off the relationship altogether. In other cases, though, you may still hang onto some hope that you and your partner can weather the storm and come out happy on the other side. Either way, it’s possible to stop overthinking in its tracks.
It’s like carrying emotional baggage and hurt and now you can become overly focused on whether it’ll happen again, and if this is a sign of that happening again.
How can I stop overthinking?
“You don’t have to figure out why you were cheated on. The fact is that you were, and you may never understand why,” says Ibrahim. Overthinking might seem like a way to find answers, but you can’t change the past, and ruminating on it can do more harm than good. Here’s how to stop ruminating.
1. Recognize when you’re overthinking
This step may seem obvious, but it’s easier to miss than you might think. Overthinking can become automatic, and you may not even realize you’re doing it.
Quinlan suggests making an “awareness log” where you keep track of every incidence of overthinking. Log where you are, what you were doing, and any possible triggers. This can help you recognize patterns that lead to overthinking so you can prepare for these situations in advance and remind yourself not to overthink.
2. Let go of “what if’s”
“When the question in your head starts with ‘what if,’ then don’t finish the question,” says Ibrahim. That’s because they tend to revolve around the past or the future, both of which you have no control over, so mulling over these questions is pointless at best.
“I always recommend focusing on what you do have control over,” she adds. “Be aware of your ‘what ifs’ and redirect your thoughts and focus to the present.” A mindfulness practice can help you diffuse from distressing thoughts, and realize thoughts aren’t facts—and that they don’t have any bearing on your future.
3. Practice attention training
Every time you start to overthink, bring your attention to what you’re doing right now. If you’re at work, draw your mind back to your assignments. If you’re swimming, pay attention to how the water feels against your skin. Having dinner? Focus on its flavor and texture. By turning your attention to the present, your brain will have less room to mull over the past and future.
This can be easier said than done, but it gets less challenging with time. “Think of this like a muscle that requires strengthening,” says Quinlan. “It can be very hard to start, but with practice, this muscle gets stronger.”
4. Get social support
Don’t be ashamed to tell loved ones you trust about what you’re going through—you’re not at fault, and it happens to the best of us. Confiding in friends and family can help you process your emotions. And even being around people you trust and who support you can help you get out of your head.
“Surround yourself with people who make you feel better, and ask them to check in with you,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “And be sure to get out and do things that you would normally do.”
If you want the company of people who truly understand what you’re going through, consider joining a support group for those who have been cheated on. (Yes, they exist.)
5. Take care of yourself
Make a conscious effort to get enough food, physical activity, and sleep. That way, your brain has the fuel necessary to resist your urges to overthink.
You could also adopt relaxation techniques like yoga and meditation—and lean into your hobbies or try out new ones. When you’re absorbed in activities like these, your brain will be less likely to overthink.
You may also want to try journaling, which “can help process your thoughts and reduce mental clutter,” says Adam Wick, LPC.
6. Work on your trust issues
Being cheated on can make you wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust again. It can be tough—there’s no doubt about that—but reaching a point where you’re able to trust again is crucial for healthy relationships. The most important thing? “Allow time and space to heal,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. After emotionally being ripped into shreds, your trust won’t rebuild itself overnight.
If you plan to stay with your partner, each of you will have to recognize any behaviors that have affected your relationship. You should also be clear about what you need to move forward—for example, for your partner to cut all contact with the other person involved in the cheating, or more transparency in your relationship. Couples therapy can also be key.
“It’s important that both partners consciously decide to make the relationship their priority,” explains Quinlan. A couples counselor—ideally one who specializes in affair recovery work—might help you and your partner communicate and move forward more effectively.
For the relationship to work, you’ll also need to be willing to stop punishing your partner for their infidelity. And counseling can help with that process.
If you’re moving forward without your partner, “it’s important to work on the insecurities that the cheating brought up with you,” says Thompson. (Again, individual therapy can be a big help here.) That way, you can avoid bringing them into future relationships. Adds Wick: “Be patient with yourself, and understand that rebuilding trust takes time. Communicate honestly about your trust issues in new relationships.” This will give future partners a better idea of what’s going on so they can better support you.
7. Rebuild your self-esteem
Being cheated on can be a real blow to your self-esteem. You might feel like you’re not good enough, otherwise your partner would have remained faithful. But Thompson says the reality is that infidelity says more about your partner, or the overall relationship dynamic, than it does about you as a person.
Perhaps your partner has low self-esteem or self-control, so they jumped at the opportunity for attention. Or maybe they didn’t feel like they were getting their needs met. “If that’s the case, your partner could have communicated and worked to fix this before stepping out. That isn’t on you!” she says. “With time spent working on insecurities, trauma, and the internal narrative you have, as well as self compassion, you can heal.”
With time spent working on insecurities, trauma, and the internal narrative you have, as well as self compassion, you can heal.
What if I need extra support?
The first thing you should know is that there’s no shame in seeking help, if the strategies above aren’t helping your overthinking. “If a long time has passed and you’re still suffering quite a bit—you’re still really focused on the situation, and are finding you’re unable to move on—seek help from a mental health professional,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. You might be experiencing a mental health issue, such as:
Depression
Depression is a disorder that involves persistent symptoms of depressed mood that last for at least two weeks. You might feel sad, empty, worthless, or hopeless—or other negative emotions.
The solution? Seeing a therapist who specializes in depression. Many cases are treated with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which may involve “developing healthy coping skills, a new routine, and learning ways to accept your thoughts and not let them take over,” says Thompson. In some cases, an antidepressant may also help.
Anxiety
With this condition, you have feelings of worry, fear, and anxiety that can interfere with everyday life. And that can cause you to be more likely to overthink after being cheated on.
In the case of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), “treatment would likely involve therapy where you learn to recognize and evaluate the worry thoughts about infidelity,” says Paul Greene, PhD, director of the Manhattan Center for Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. “The goal would be for the patient to engage in realistic self-talk as much as possible.”
OCD
OCD revolves around obsessions (distressing thoughts that won’t go away) and compulsions (what you do to try to feel better). Obsessions can revolve around almost anything, including relationships (that’s called relationship OCD). Cheating is a major life event that can either trigger OCD, if you’re predisposed to the condition, make your existing OCD worse, or integrate itself into your OCD. If you’ve been cheated on, you might develop obsessions like:
- Am I at fault?
- Can I trust my partner?
- Will this happen again?
These are doubts that can happen to anyone, but they may be constant and severe if you have OCD.
To cope with these obsessions, you may do compulsions including:
- Checking the social media of your partner and perhaps the person they cheated with
- Researching online about infidelity
- Reviewing past interactions
- Overthinking or ruminating (of course)
- Asking for reassurance from future partners that they won’t betray you
By doing compulsions, though, you’re giving your obsessions energy, which fuels them in the long run.
The solution is to stop doing compulsions, which is the core of a treatment called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. It’s the gold-standard treatment for OCD and has been found to be effective for up to 80% of patients.
In ERP, you’ll gradually confront situations that you find triggering (exposures) and learn how to tolerate them without doing compulsions (response prevention). In the case of overthinking infidelity, Greene says that ERP might provoke the thoughts and fears that cause you to overthink—like “what if I get cheated on again in the future?”—and teach you how to resist urges to ruminate or do other compulsions such as checking social media. All of this is done under the guidance of a qualified ERP therapist.
Over time, you learn to live with confidence despite the uncertainty that comes with any relationship — and you won’t feel the need to overthink.
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Healing and moving forward
If you choose to break up with your partner, Zinman-Ibrahim suggests taking time to process what happened to you and get into a good mental space before entering another relationship. “You may never understand why you were cheated on, but that it’s not something you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship, and you deserve better,” she explains.
Decided to give them another chance? Then it’s crucial that they admit and take responsibility for their actions. “Both partners should also explore what it’ll take to rebuild trust and transparency,” says Quinlan.
Either way, Ibrahim underscores the importance of giving yourself space and time to heal, figuring out what’s important to you in life and your relationships, and surrounding yourself with people and activities that make you happy. All of these things can quiet your overthinking and help you move forward in a healthier way.