Love vs. Obsession: How to tell the difference

Falling in love can sweep you up in all sorts of emotions—euphoria, passion, excitement for the future, as well as bouts of anxiety and uncertainty. And sometimes you might feel all-consumed with thoughts about your partner. Where are they right now? What are they doing? I can’t stop thinking about them. That’s when you may wonder: Is this love, or am I just obsessed with them? 

It’s a really valid question. Love is intense. Being obsessed is also intense, but can negatively impact you and the other person. So how do you know the difference between the two? We’ve consulted with experts to help you know what obsession might look like, distinguish between love and obsession, and offer advice on what to do if your feelings might have veered into obsessive territory. 

What does it mean to be obsessed?

We throw the word “obsessed” around all the time. It can sometimes be a good thing—you might be obsessed with the new dress you bought, or compliment your friend by telling her you’re obsessed with her cute apartment. But mental health professionals view this word very differently. 

“Obsession is an unhealthy preoccupation with a partner or crush. It’s often one-sided and driven by a desire for control or possession,” says Deborah Gilman, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Fox Chapel Psychological Services. “This can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, and stalking behaviors.” 

It’s important to note that there are a few ways the word “obsession” is used, and they have some similarities. Obsession may even signal a mental health condition, in the case of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). In this case, the word obsession refers to distressing, unwanted, and repetitive thoughts, images, feelings, or urges—and very frequently, these target romantic relationships, as well. While they’re not the same as the other type of obsession, they can also lead to serious consequences in a relationship.

How to know if it’s love versus an obsession

“When you meet someone that you hit it off with, your brain is designed to be infatuated. The relationship is new, and you’re getting all these great hits of the feel-good chemical dopamine. It’s actually part of the bonding process,” says April Kilduff, MA, LCPC, LPCC, LMHC, a Clinical Trainer at NOCD. “It can take time for love to develop beyond infatuation. Certainly if you’re in love with someone, you can be infatuated; but if you’re infatuated, you’re not always in love.” 

It’s a little confusing, so here are some examples of love—contrasted with how obsession shows up.

When it’s love

• You feel empathy and care toward your partner
• You respect them
• You want to see them thrive
• You feel joy when they do what makes them happy
• You feel safe enough to be vulnerable and want to reciprocate that safe space
• You are sometimes willing to compromise in order to meet both of your needs
• You recognize their imperfections, but still admire them for who they are
• You support your partner’s growth, but aren’t looking to change or control them

“Love is about feeling like your best self around your partner. You can be authentically you, and trust them with your thoughts and feelings,” says Dr. Gilman, “You also face life’s challenges together and support each other.” 

When it could be obsession

“Obsession feels like a bad habit that you can’t shake. It’s about controlling the other person and fulfilling your own needs. You might feel constantly anxious or on edge,” says Dr. Gilman. These are other prime examples:

• Your feelings toward your partner are intense and urgent, even anxiety-provoking
• The intensity of your feelings seems irrational in proportion to how long you’ve known your partner, or how well you know them
• You feel very afraid of losing them
• You feel possessive and get jealous when your partner is with other people, even friends
• You feel the need to know where they are and what they’re doing at all times
• Your mood seems to depend solely on their attention or approval
• You change aspects of your personality or worldview to better align with theirs

What to do if you’re obsessed

Obsession can be very difficult for both you and your partner. But if the examples above resonate with you, just know that you don’t have to stay in this state of obsession. There are a few things you can do, according to Dr. Gilman.

1. Do a reality check. “Take a step back and be honest. Is this situation healthy for you or your partner?” suggests Dr. Gilman. Ask yourself: Are your interactions with this person positive and uplifting, or do they leave you feeling drained and anxious? Are you neglecting responsibilities or friendships because of this fixation? Would you want someone to behave this way towards you? Is this a pattern you’ve repeated in past relationships? Sometimes the answers to these questions aren’t easy to see. Journaling can help with that, says Dr. Gilman. It’s a great tool for self-reflection and self-awareness. 

2. Focus on yourself. “Plan activities that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment independent of your partner,” explains Dr. Gilman. (The word independent here is key.) “Invest time on your own hobbies and interests, try something where you might meet new people, and lean on your support network—work on building stronger relationships with friends and family, or reconnecting with those you haven’t seen in a while. 

3. Set boundaries. If needed, place limits on your contact with the person you’re obsessed with. Dr. Gilman recommends unfollowing or blocking them on social media. “Let them know you need space,” she says, and consider sharing the reason why. As tough as this might be, it’s best for your well-being—and theirs.

4. Seek support. Talk to a therapist who can help you better understand your feelings and behavior patterns—and how to change them. If you can’t access a therapist right away, talking with a trusted friend or family member can be a good place to start.

Could your obsession with your partner be the sign of a mental health condition?

Yes, it can—but again, this type of obsession is a bit different. The way the word is used most often by mental health professionals is in the context of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The condition can latch onto just about anything—but when it has to do with relationships, it’s known as Relationship OCD (ROCD). It creates extreme fear and distress surrounding your romantic partnership. And you feel a desperate need to know the answer to your fears, without a shadow of a doubt.

Symptoms of ROCD include repetitive, unwanted intrusive thoughts, feelings or urges (that’s the “obsession” part of OCD). They cause extreme anxiety, fear, panic, or other distressing emotions. You want to do whatever you can to rid yourself of that distress or make sure that nothing bad happens as a result of your feelings, and that manifests in repetitive mental or physical behaviors (called compulsions).

Compulsions can include reassurance-seeking, such as repeatedly asking the person you’re romantically involved with questions like, “Do you think we’re really in love?” or “Do you think this is healthy?” You might also scour the internet for answers, but no amount of looking will ever be enough. Or you may ruminate—circling around the same questions and points of “evidence” falsely believing that you can just “think your way out” of obsessions. 

Wondering how to differentiate between typical relationship concerns and OCD? “If you have to keep asking the same thing over and over again, even though you get an answer and might feel a bit of relief, OCD will make you start it all over again. It says there’s always more information to get, but you’ll never actually get the answer,” says Patrick McGrath, PhD, Chief Clinical Officer here at NOCD, the leading provider of telehealth treatment for OCD and related conditions.

How is ROCD treated?

The most effective, evidence-based treatment for ROCD (and all types of OCD) is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP involves two components: confronting the things that trigger your obsessions (like uncertainty about your feelings, for example), and resisting the urge to engage in compulsions to feel better. Exposures happen gradually, meaning you’ll start small and work your way up. They may look like:

• Saying “Maybe this isn’t true love. Who knows?” out loud
• Reading or watching a story about someone who fell out of love
• Writing out a if-then, “worst case scenario,” such as, If I am actually just obsessed with this person and not in love, then what?

Over time, you learn to tolerate uncertainty and discomfort about whether your feelings are truly “love.” You will realize that lingering uncertainties about your feelings don’t need to guide your actions, and they certainly don’t need to rule your life and relationship. Ultimately, this reduces the anxiety that’s caused by your doubts, giving you greater freedom to engage in your relationships—even when your feelings aren’t quite certain.